Being a better lover is way too complex for just one key, but one key is a place to start. Press play and try this one. It may just unlock one of the doors.
I was listening to a podcast yesterday when a listener’s email told a sad story. The listener identified himself as blind and was bemoaning his situation. Mostly, he was complaining about all the things he can’t do and how inconvenient it is to need someone around to care for him and his needs.
That got me to thinking about how easy it is for those of us who can’t see to confuse can’t with don’t know how. The specific issue in the listener’s email that caused me to ponder the confusion came when he said that he had to get someone who can see to hang a picture for him. His point was that his blindness prevents him from using a drill and makes it impossible for him to get the picture level and at the right height.
That’s just silly talk. I can’t see and know how to use a drill. I can’t see and know how to make sure a picture is level. I can’t see and know how to hang a picture at a good height for most people when they are looking at it. Being blind is not the reason why the listener can’t hang a picture on his wall. The reason is simple. He just doesn’t know how to hang the picture without being able to see.
Is the listener having his own pity party? Probably, but that is not my point. It’s true that he can’t do by looking. (We explored that notion in the last episode of Blind How.) But just because he can’t do by looking doesn’t mean he can’t do.
Let me suggest a strategy for doing if you can’t see. Think of something – anything – that you think you can’t do because you can’t see. Now, start with the outcome. As clearly as you can, define what you want to achieve. I want this picture hanging appropriately on that wall. I want to be wearing my red shirt with my black pants. I want to be eating lasagna for dinner. I want to be pleased with the selection of groceries in my pantry. I want to be sitting on my friend’s patio chatting and having a cold drink. I want to be at a bookstore, signing copies of my new book. I want to be relaxing in my newly finished basement or perhaps on my new deck. I want to be listening to the latest episode of my podcast. I want to be attending my graduation from college. I want to use all of the features on my cell phone. I want to hike to the bottom of the Grand Canyon.
I know. It’s another one of those lists. But what goes on your list? What outcomes interest you?
Now that you have an outcome in mind, you’re ready for the second part of this strategy for doing without seeing. There are people who can’t see who know how to do all of the things on the list I have included here. Even better, there are people who can’t see who know how to do most everything on your list as well. But how do they do that?
They use the three strategies I mentioned in an earlier episode of Blind How. They get someone who can see to do it for them. They get someone who can see to help them do it. They learn to do it for themselves. Whichever strategy they choose, they don’t confuse can’t see with can’t do.
Here’s the secret sauce. The people who are most successful at doing without seeing intentionally use all three of these strategies, taking care not to confuse can’t see with can’t do. It works like this.
I’ll first be clear about what I want. Then I’ll identify someone to will do it for me, while I carefully observe. Then, I’ll get them to help me do it myself. Finally, I’ll use my new skills to do it by myself.
If it is to be, I’ll just learn how to do it for me.
How often do you think, “I got trouble?” It happens for all of us, for some of us more often than for others of us. Even so, the hard truth is that there is seldom much we can do about the trouble we have right now. That fact not withstanding, our typical response to our trouble is to focus on the trouble we have right now.
But what if we are focusing on the wrong thing? Please listen and see if there may not be a better focus for your attention and energy.
When I think of things I want to do, it’s easy to get stuck at “how.” For example, the mail comes, and I want to read the mail. How do I do that?
I pop the last chip in the bag into my mouth and want more chips. How do I get more chips?
I want to call my friend but don’t remember his number. How can I find his number?
I want to wear my red shirt with my black pants. How do I know I selected the right ones?
I want to go for a walk in the park. How do I do that without getting hurt or lost?
I want to do some work on my computer. How is that possible?
I could keep adding to my list as you could to yours. But here’s the point. If I could see, the “How?” questions have easy answers.
I just open the mail and read it, run over to the corner store and pick up some more chips, scroll through my contacts on my phone and tap on my friend’s number, look in my closet and grab my black pants and red shirt, slip on my walking shoes and head out to the park, pick up my mouse and I’m good to go.
If I could see, the “How?” for most everything on my list is simple. But I can’t and the “How?” is not simple.
If you used to be able to see, the first step to get past the “How?” issue will likely be the hardest for you to take. Look and do is not an option anymore. You can’t look and read, look and shop, look and tap, look and choose, look and walk, look and click. You can’t look and do anything anymore.
That’s the bad news. The good news is that you can still do most things you want to do, just not by looking and doing. The challenge is to get unstuck, to get on past the notion that looking is the only way to facilitate doing. I can’t see, thus I can’t do, is seldom true.
The problem is getting stuck on “How?” But that’s not quite it. Close, but not quite. The problem is getting stuck on looking being the only how. It’s not. That’s some more good news.
Unfortunately, there is also some more bad news. Alternatives for doing, when looking isn’t an option, are usually neither obvious nor intuitive. I have had most of a lifetime to learn how to do without seeing, but there are still skills I haven’t mastered, strategies I still haven’t learned.
Let me close on this episode of Blind How by sharing a simple fact. Not seeing is a nuisance, inconvenient, frustrating, but is what it is. Doing without looking requires a skill set and resources that are neither easy to acquire nor simple to maintain. If you want a quick and easy solution, sit back, relax and hope that someone takes pity and waits on you. Otherwise, here’s the deal:
If it is to be, it’s up to me, despite my not being able to see.
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(Guest Post) For those of us who can’t see, getting what we need and most of what we want is at times quite challenging. Sure, it’s challenging for people who see fine too. But for us, there are a couple of additional factors requiring extra attention. Let’s give them some thought here.
First, I’m only talking about those things we need or want that we would simply do or get for ourselves, if we could see. As it turns out, this can be a long list. I have discussed that in earlier episodes on BlindHow.net, so don’t need to review the list here. Suffice it to say that we each have a lot of items on our “would be easy if I could see” list.
For any of the items on our list, we have options. The easiest option is to skip the particular item, just get along without doing it or getting it. For me and most likely for you, the do nothing option is sometimes tempting and occasionally the choice we make. What we need or want is just not worth the bother right now. And that’s okay occasionally. People who can see do the same thing now and then. Whatever they want or need is just not worth the time and energy it would take right now. Their motivation is not strong enough, although they could do whatever without much extra effort.
But for most of us who can’t see and most of the time, doing nothing is not an acceptable option. Even if we can’t see, we are determined to do what needs done, determined to get what we want. I discussed that decision in the last episode of Blind How.
But how do we do that, how do we do what we want to do, get what we want? There may be more than three options, but I know of three general approaches that usually cover the challenge for me. First, I can get someone who can see to do it for me or get it for me. Second, I can enlist the help of someone who can see to assist me with doing it myself or getting it myself. Third, I can develop the skills and strategies I need to do it myself or to get it by myself.
It’s important for me to emphasize that each of these three options is perfectly legitimate at times and in some situations or circumstances. At other times, insisting on one option over another may be inappropriate or counterproductive. Those of us who can’t see need all three options and the ability and determination to use them as needed and as appropriate.
Each of these three options requires good communication skills and especially good conversational skills. Why? For the first option, having someone who can see act on our behalf includes our being able to help them understand what we need or want and what we think would be the best way for them to proceed doing for us.
For the second option, having someone who can see assist us with whatever we need or want involves even more and continuing communication. As for the third option, think of observing someone who can see while he or she does what you want to do, actively participating while you work together to do what you want done and then working increasingly independently over days, months or years to perfect your ability to do it by yourself.
Here’s something to consider. Each of us, whether we can see or not, have needs, problems and vulnerabilities beyond our individual ability to cope. We all need other people with skills, talents and resources who are available and willing to help us compensate for our limitations. Our challenge is to learn about those people and resources and then access them for our benefit. Meeting this challenge for those of us who can’t see, among other things, rests firmly on our ability, and on the ability of those who advocate on our behalf,to effectively communicate our special and general needs and wants, and the best ways to satisfy those needs and wants. Parents do this for their children who can’t see, teachers do this for their students and you and I will either do it for ourselves or it likely will just not happen.
If it is to be, it’s up to me, getting people who can see, to:
• Do it for me,
• Get it done by working with me, or
• You know, don’t you? Sure, I’ll just have to figure out how to do it for me. If you have a tip for doing it myself that you are willing to share or a question about how to do it yourself, pop it into an email and send it to Tips@BlindHow.net.
In the last episode of Blind How, I talked with you about BATS: “Best Alternative To Seeing.” I’m thinking that we should dig into that a little more before just moving on to how to do this or that without seeing. There is a major issue that we need to think through very carefully.
With few exceptions, one alternative to seeing is to get someone who can see to do whatever we want done. If inclination and resources permit, we could simply have someone drive us wherever we want to go, read whatever needs read, cook whatever needs cooked, clean whatever needs cleaned and on and on. As the saying goes, we could just have someone wait on us hand and foot.
You think this sounds silly? On the one hand, good for you. But on the other hand, many people who can’t see, quite easily and without much thought, get into the habit of being waited on. To a significant extent, much of the time and in most situations, having others do things for them becomes their preferred alternative to not being able to see.
Should we always do things for ourselves, without any help from someone who can see? Of course not, especially if there is someone nearby who can and wants to help. Note that I said, “wants to help,” and not simply “willing to help.” To always refuse help would be as silly as always expecting help.
This is quite a bit more complicated than it may seem at first. I’m not sure I fully understand its complexity, since I struggle some with the issue myself. Even so, there are a few points that pop out for me. Perhaps mentioning those here will help you think about the issues from your perspective. I suspect that the help versus do-it-yourself question is personal and doesn’t have the same answer or set of answers for all of us who can’t see.
Let’s start with something that I think is important or at least of interest to me. That could include a hot cup of coffee or clean clothes, reading my mail or a movie on TV, dinner or using my cell phone, a walk around the block or a visit to my doctor, brushing my guide dog or visiting with friends, doing my banking or ordering a pizza, going out for lunch or making a podcast. I could easily put a hundred items on my list without much thought. I’m sure you could put at least as many on your list, although they wouldn’t all be the same as those on my list. We all have things to do, places to go and people to see. Let’s call the things on our lists “activities.”
Here’s the thing. It’s far too easy for many of us to play our blind card. We either wait for someone who can see to help us with the activity or do the task for us, or we simply avoid the activity. Can’t or at least won’t wins. The outcome is cumulative: we gradually do less and less, avoiding more and more.
Please note that I’m not talking about situations where people live or work together, situations where work and other activities are divided up – I’ll do this and you do that. Rather, I’m focusing on situations where a person who can’t see comes to be dependent on others doing most things for him or her, or perhaps he or she just avoids whatever the activity is.
I am simply struggling to describe what can happen to many, if not most of us who can’t see, if we don’t actively resist. Sure, I’m talking about me, but may also be talking about you. Fortunately, knowing the best, and likely only way to prevent drifting down the slippery slope to dependence and non-participation turns out to be simple. But knowing and doing can be far apart at times.
Here it is in the proverbial nutshell. The best alternative to not seeing is to figure out how to do whatever you want done, by yourself, without depending on sighted assistance, unless necessary. Here’s the good news. Most everything you want to do is being done somewhere and being done independently, by a person who can’t see. For those times when sighted assistance is necessary, anonymous help is usually there, on your phone. The bad news is that developing the needed skills and accessing the available resources takes time, effort and a big measure of determination.
Try this, “If it is to be, it’s up to me, so BATS it shall be, for me.”